Marriage Mondays

A Time to Fight and a Time to Walk Away

I realize its Wednesday. Last week I really struggled with the post. It was really hard for me to write to you to leave your relationship. I believe in marriage and unity so much it was a fight to post those words. It was necessary for me to say them though. I felt it was important to tell you it was okay. I didn't know what to say this week. I really thought long and hard for this week, that's why its now Wednesday.

This week I'm telling you to fight. Hubby and I made a pact way back when I still had hips and he was still eating with hollow legs. To never give up on each other. To fight for each other no matter what. He may not remember, but I do. Even if he doesn't remember, I know he holds it in his heart. I know this because so many times I have fallen down. So many times I looked at him and he knew he better step up. So many times I have cried my face off and he knew this was his moment to carry me.

I'm telling you Dear Reader, that if your partner looks at you with those done eyes. And says to you that there is nothing left, you had better put on your armor and gear up for battle. This is your relationship. The one you've been working hard on (or should be!) You've been putting in the effort, the 110% everyday. You've pushed past the hard days and come out on top. Dear Reader, fight. Fight for love, for your partner, for yourself. Fight. If they can no longer find a reason to continue this relationship you had best be showing them the reason! If your partner can't see the light at the end of the tunnel you had better get them a flash light. If the pieces are falling apart around your partner; dear God man, grab a bag!

We are human. We are not perfect. We have moments of rock bottom. It is your job to hoist your partner up and carry them to the end. Your going to have to fight. Whatever that means. Therapy? flowers everyday? coffee on demand? let them hold the remote? Whatever that means, do it! don't even think twice, just do it. Do not for a moment say to your partner, 'your right, lets get this over with' not until you have fought the hard fight and done everything to make it work. Not for a moment do you have the right to wave the white flag until you have tried everything possible to win. Fight it out. Fight with every fiber of your being and with every ounce of love you have. Fight.

oh Dears, I wish I could say that was the end. But it's not. Because sometimes love can stand up, even with a good fight. Sometimes your partner can't be carried. Or fought for. Sometimes even with the toughest of fights, it's done. Here is where your really going to have to dig deep. Be the bigger person. For the last hurrah of this relationship your going to have to know when to walk away. Once you have fought and the white flag is out. Once you and your partner have agreed it's done. Then it's done. There is no point being an asshat and kicking the dead horse. If they want the pictures on your wall and the washer; is that going to kill you? If they want the kids every other weekend and share holidays is that really going to break you? Be sensible and reasonable!

Don't make the walking away harder then it needs to be. I know you're hurt. I know you're wounded.  I know you want to inflict pain. I get that. In the end, what good is it to drag it out? sever the ties and let your partner loose. Do it for the love you once or still have. Settle your differences and move on with your life.

Now I'm in no way saying become a door mat. I'm not telling you to let your partner walk all over you. If they are trying to take away your kids, and steal your money and rob you of your humanity then for God sake steam roller them. You don't need that, and they are being the asshat!

Dear Reader, I know relationships are tricky. But there is someone out there worth the fight. If your with them, keep fighting. Everyday. Fight. They are worth it and so are you. In the end, if the fight is done. Then dust yourself off and pick up your pride. Know when to walk away. Know when to raise that white flag, before it gets ugly.

Knowing that the fight is done, doesn't make you a failure. You did NOT fail at this. Some fights just can't be won. It's okay to love your partner enough to let them go. Believe in yourself enough to know that there is someone better waiting for you.


Because Hubby and I's relationship can be summed up by matchbox 20, I'm including this...

Marriage Mondays

Accepting the End

Being a child of two divorces you better believe I'm doing everything in my power to stay married! With that said, I believe there does comes a point where two people can look at each other and agree that this isn't working. 

There are so many reasons why relationships fall apart. People grow up and sometimes that means growing apart.  You start wanting different things in life and before you know it, your done.  Maybe someone cheated. Maybe your partner is a true asshat and that isn't changing for anyone. Whatever the reason, relationships DO end.

I'm a firm believer that before you can say 'I'm done!' you need marriage counseling. Lots of it! I don't think two people can give up on anything before someone steps in and tries to mend the problems. With that said, the two people involved need to be willing to accept that change.

So you've done the counseling, you're all talked out. There is agreeably between the parties, nothing left. Its okay to walk away. It's okay to say, I deserve happiness. It's okay to end marriage. Like I said before, entering a partnership does not mean in anyway that you give up on your happiness. Please don't think I'm giving you permission here to toss out your partner because your 'not feeling it' I'm saying your going to hit a point where the talking isn't helping and there is no change a coming.  It's okay at this point to say 'finished'

There I've said it and I'll say it again,

It's okay to end marriage (I'm including all relationships in this!)

I wouldn't recommend divorce to anyone. But what is the point of staying in relationship that just can't be fixed??

Dear Reader there will be tears, lots of them. Tears of frustration, tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of hurt, tears of relief and tears just for the sake of emotion. There will probably also be a mourning process. For the loss of a relationship, the loss of a partner and the loss of a piece of you. These are all normal and healthy things!

Please know that your not a failure here. You tried. You did the counseling. You broke down the walls and communicated. You put in the work. You did your best. It didn't work. Time to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Your going to have to be strong here. Not just for you, but for all parties involved.

Please don't think that you need to stay in a relationship because of the kids or because your mamma said. Don't stay because you think your a failure. Don't hang on because they are begging and pleading. Don't stick around because you think you have no other options.

If your done and you know in your heart that you are done. Its okay (as long as you put in the work!!!) to pack your bags and head out.

Who knows maybe after a break, love will come walking in your door again. Or maybe your partner will recognize the loss and try harder. Maybe you'll recognize the loss and try harder.

Your not a failure Dear Reader. This is just another chapter and you will come out stronger. You will see what you will and will not accept in a partner. You will recognize when your fire is being smothered. You will appreciate true and real love. All wonderful and awesome things.

Marriage IS hard work and you ARE worthy of a good partner. But if the hard work isn't paying off and your partner isn't giving you joy and happiness. It's okay to choose YOU in the end.

Marriage Mondays

A Partner Worth the Fight

Well Dear Reader last week we talked about the hard part. Now lets talk about what makes it worth it. Your Partner.

Yes Dear Reader, your partner. You are putting 110% into this, you're going to make sure that your 'other half' is worth it. I'm saying that in the nicest, most loving way.

First lets talk about you. You my loves are worth all the riches in the world. You are worth more then gold and jewels. You are worth the sun and the moon and all the planets. You should love yourself enough to see the value in you.  You are special, you are awesome. You're fantastic and wonderful. You are beautiful, inside and out. Dear Readers there is no one as great as you! You need to make sure that in a partnership you see that YOU are worth it first. You are worth it. You are worthy of happiness and joy. You deserve to laugh and smile. You deserve a partner that loves you for you. You deserve a partner who will treat you with respect and love. You are worthy of a partner that loves and adores you like no royalty has ever been. Do you see that?

When you 'signed' on for this; there was no hidden agreement that stated:

I _____________ agree to give up all my happiness and joy for the sake of a relationship with ______________.

You didn't do that, and nor should you!

I'm not saying your partner has to be perfect. I'm saying that they have to be worth it. Just as your worth it!

There will come a time in your relationship that you will question why you are there. It happens! This is normal! This is when one special and magic relationship ingredient comes to play. Communication. You have the right to tell your partner when you are not happy. You have the right to tell them that this isn't working You partner has choices here. They can say 'fuck you, I'm perfect now toughen up', They can say 'wow, I'm sorry you feel this way what can we do' or They can say 'I guess we better get a divorce'. A worthy partner best be saying the middle! I know its hard to have tough conversations. I hate to tell you, that life is full of them and your going to have to get used to it!  Remember your worthy of happiness! If your partner agrees to help, GREAT! This is a wonderful thing! Now if it gets to the point where you've left it too long, please don't be proud. Seek outside help. If your partner is worthy of this, then do it! Don't give up on a relationship because you don't want to see a marriage counsellor!

If your partner does not see the value in your happiness and joy; then I'm afraid to say they aren't worth it.

Your partner will want to be your partner. They will want to make this work. They will want to see you happy! Honest.

If your partner agrees to change then goes back to their old ways and even after a million therapy sessions. I'm afraid your going to have to make some more tough decisions. Are they worth the pain and heart ache?

If your partner is a Bum. A right old Bum. They have little care for the world around them let alone you. This is not worthy of you! You and your paper bag, do not need Prince Ronald! They are a bum and will always be a bum!

What I'm trying to get at here Dear Reader is that you are worthy of a partner. An equal. A Yin to your Yang. You are worthy of it all. You don't need to settle or give up your life and happiness for someone who will never be worthy of you. A tiger will always have strips there is no amount of therapy, pleading or communication that will change them to spots.

I've been very lucky. I have a partner worthy of a thousand fights. My second in Command is worth it all. We have been very close to saying that's it! Our lives have changed us and remolded us. The years haven't always been kind or good. But we are equals who are willing and feel the other worthy of it all. That my loves is what partnership is all about.

Who you are today, is not the person you were when you first started your relationship. That's ok! Your ideas and views on the world will change, and that's ok! Your opinions will change, your life will change, your cities will change, your house will change, your outlook on life will change. All ok! IF your partner is worth it, it will be okay. You see as your changing, so are they. As your growing and evolving, so are they. It's important to have a worthy partner, because none of the change will matter. They will WANT to make it work. They will adapt, just as your adapting! It will work because you two, will make it work. All part of the 110% your putting in!

You see a worthy partner, makes the work WORTH IT!

PLEASE NOTE: your partner is abusive. Please don't take this. Not for the sake of partnership, marriage, your kids (if you have any), family, your dog or any other Tom, Dick or Harry. Please, your worth so much more. This is a very very  touchy subject, one of which I'm not really willing to dive into on my wee blog. Please seek help. There are many organizations out there, for men and women. You do not deserve it and are worthy of more. There is nothing wrong with you. Seek help and leave. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. Just LEAVE. Also remember abuse comes in many forms. Verbal and physical. YOU ARE WORTHY OF MORE THEN THAT SHIT!

So you love yourself enough to recognize a partner worthy of the hard work. What happens if they aren't worth it? What happens if its not getting better? What happens if they aren't a willing participant in the effort your putting in??

Staying tuned for the next Marriage Monday!

Marriage Mondays

No One Said this would be easy

Hello Dear Reader,

I know it's not Monday, but this is the game plan. A blog on Mondays regarding marriage. I'm no expert, but with three Dads, two Father In Laws and a Husband, I would say I'm pretty knowledgeable!

You my Dear Reader, keep asking about my poor wee blog. I've ignored it so. Haven't I?? A year since my last promise online to start the fire back into this engine. A whole year. Well here I am a bigger, stronger, (busier) me...but I'm here and ready to go. With all your requests and renewed fire in my belly, I'm here!

So marriage Mondays. Seems catchy, yes?? on with the show!

After 8 days alone with my Hubby. I'm compelled to tell you in the thick of partnership, that this is not easy! I'm not sure where I got it into my head that this would be easy. Or at least a fun time. It's not (well some parts are fun, more on that later). This is damn hard work. This is a 110% effort everyday, all day. This my friends is no joke.

I'm very blessed with a partner who gets me completely in this life. When I'm being my crabbiest crab, he lovingly finds me a new shell in which I may seek shelter in.  I'm a fun gal, but Lord do I try that mans patience! After 10 years of marriage, I want to push you all to continue working and fighting.

Everyday you are going to have to work at this partnership. Everyday you are going to have to push yourself to give it all you got. When you got married (or started your partnership), various thoughts of marriage probably entered your head.  Maybe that this would be lovely and fun. A right good game of give and take...or maybe just give...or maybe just take. Maybe you thought that you would turn into the cleavers. He'd be June of course. Maybe you thought that it would be a natural partnership between to people, who had love as a common thread.

I'm telling you all right now, that this is the real shit. There are really REALLY ugly parts. Real nasty stinky scenes. Parts of horrible chapters that you may just want to close the book on. This partnership will test every being of your fibre as a person. This union between two people is going to test your will as a person.

I'm telling you Dear Reader that this is hard. Real hard. There are some mornings you will wake up to that face and go 'Dear God, they're still here'. There are days when your partner will come home and say 'What's for dinner' and you will want to respond 'Make your own God Damn Fucking Dinner'. There are weeks when you will go without sex because the very thought of that good for nothing spouse will make you want to vomit. There are fights that will bring you to your knees. There are days when the words that come out of your partners mouth will feel like fire on your soul. I promise you all, your partner at some point will become the enemy and you will want to crush and pee on every parade they have. Oh Dear Reader I hate to say this, but there may come times when all you have left is tears and prayers. This is HARD.

You never imagined that you would have to give so much of your self up. You could never think that a person could test your very will to get on with a day. So much give and take. Everyone tells you that marriage is a 50/50 partnership between two people...WRONG!!! Marriage is an everyday work it at 100% all day thing. 100% of you will have to work on this. Could you imagine only giving 50% of yourself in marriage????? That's like ordering a Big Mac combo and only getting the fries. Or going to a mechanic to fix your brakes and he only does one. Going on a holiday and end up only making it to the car with your bags packed.

Dear Reader, a partnership between two people is going to require you to dig deep within you. You will have so many hard and uncomfortable conversations, you will begin to feel like Dr. Phil. You are going to require strength; not only for you, but for your partner. When your feeling like crabby crab and want to hide in your shell, you may have to dig deeper. You may have to big the bigger person in a fight and say 'your right'. You may often have to say 'I'm sorry'

Partnership, my Dears is hard. There is so much work to make this thing work, it's no wonder that all these marriages are falling apart. God this is HARD. Do you get it? This is HARD. Hubs and I are very lucky. When I've wanted to pack it in. When I have fallen, and cried. When I was weak and just didn't feel like I could do this another moment. My partner picked me up. When I moaned and complained to you all, that I wasn't sure I had anything left. My partner reminded me that we were fighting the same fight.

Dear Readers, something else. Oh Lord. If you think partnership is hard. Toss in the world, because God knows that the world doesn't really want you to succeed. Its always tossing you things like; moving, new countries, new jobs, illness, money (or no money), in laws, out laws, death, and everything in between. Then may come kids. Huney, that alone can drive a wedge in your partnership faster then you could fart!

Am I making sense? This is bloody HARD work! But my loves. It's hard work that pays off in riches you could only imagine. It pays off in ways that you could only dream. To know you always, always have someone in your corner. Just as you are in theirs. To have someone love you for all your qualities, good and bad. To have a partner who will make you an omelette at the buffet because your brain is totally unable to comprehend; eggs, ham, cheese and veg. To know love. Real love. Love that holds all the hard stuff together. Love that makes you laugh. Love that makes you smile. Love that endures what the world is tossing at you. Love that makes having kids that much easier. Love that is worth it all. Worth every damn day of hard work. Worth every tear, every prayer, every moment that brought you and your world crashing down. It will be worth it. Promise. It WILL be WORTH it!!

Now before I wrap up Dear Reader. I want to say this wee disclaimer. You need a partner who IS worth it. If you are in a partnership where you are the 100% and they just aren't. If you are with someone who makes you cry more then smile. If your partner after years, is not holding up their end of this partnership. Then that is another post. Another Monday marriage perhaps?

I wish you all years of happy and hard memories. It will be all worth it. Promise

xx