Happy Birthday little Angels

Three years ago I gave birth to two beautiful baby girls. They arrived sleeping and quiet in the mid afternoon. It was the end to a very hard and unsure 4 months.

In late June 2008 I went in for a dating ultrasound and found out I was pregnant with twins. I remember laughing all the way home. I will never forget the look on Hubby's face when he saw the 'twins' picture. Shortly afterwards I went to my OB for my first check up. It wasn't good news, I was pregnant with Mono Mono twins.  Basically its two babies sharing 1 placenta and there is no wall separating the two. The cords are just hairs away from each other. It's a 1 in 10,000 odd. I was the one.

My very awesome doctor told me strait up 'it's not good. The out come to this pregnancy is normally always stillborn' I was referred to Mount Sinai hospital in Toronto to the care of the high risk pregnancy unit. It meant appointments every week, blood test and ultrasounds..every week. It meant packing up two little ones into a car every week and heading to Toronto for a very very long day. It meant that I would be put into the hospital at 26/27 weeks and the babies would be born around 30/32 weeks. It meant we were giving it a shot and hoping for the best.

At 16 weeks I lost the first baby. My doctor was on holiday and the on call Doctor told me that this would be like a normal pregnancy now. I would most likely go back to my Doctor in Oakville. Sadly just three short weeks later;  still at Mount Sinai, I lost the second baby. I knew something was wrong, I hadn't felt movement in days even halloween candy didn't do anything. Suspicion confirmed, we had lost the second and our ordeal was over. 

My regular doctor at Mount Sinai was back and gave me my list of options. I decided to induce labor and bring my girls into this world the next day. Such a weird thing waking up in the morning and knowing today your going to give birth. It's even stranger knowing that your not going to be bringing anyone home. Around 1pm on October 31st, 2008 I delivered two baby girls into this world. There was no crying, there was no laying of baby on my tummy, there was no team of doctors. There was just the silence.

You go through an ordeal like that, and for me I was done. I didn't want to deal with it any more. I wanted to heal the hurt and move on. Instead, there was a funeral home to deal with, there was decisions like 'do you want pictures?' 'do you want to see them?' too much for a very broken mummy to deal with.

In the end I decided no pictures, and I didn't want to hold them. That image would of haunted me forever. We called our little girls hope and faith, because that's all the pregnancy was.

I would never wish this experience even on my worst enemy. Having to go to a funeral home and plan out what to do with the bodies of your children is an out of body experience. You feel like your not there, that there is no way that you are doing this.

We planned on having our girls cremated, they would rest in St Peters Bay with Grandpa.

It's three years later and the memory is still so fresh. I can tell you the whole day from start to finish. I am so thankful for the love of our family and friends that made the following weeks, just a little easier.  I try not to dwell on our girls or the thought of what could of been. For me the healing process has been to remember them at certain times of the year or with white roses (the flower that seemed to be the theme of their passing). I miss my little girls and seeing twins now is such a bittersweet thing for me.

Today they are three and I haven't let them go play with Grandpa yet. How do you do that? How do you take the only thing you have of that time and let it go? maybe one day. I would of made them cake and there would of been presents...lots of them. Tons of pictures and something more then just a pink cremation box to hold at the end of the day.

Today mummys hold your little ones and pray you never feel the pain of loosing them. I know too many mums, who understand this hurt. One day we'll hold our children and smell their hair. We'll touch their hands and kiss their fingers. We'll count their toes and wiggle their piggies. One day we'll be able to push them on swings and roll with them in the grass. One day.

Happy Birthday little angels. xo

Hey those are some nifty knickers!

You know I love me some larger ladies. I think beauty comes in all sizes and find in this day in age, the larger woman is very proud of her size and that makes me just swell with happiness!

With that said, I have been watching some very big bums lately and I just have to say 'I CAN SEE YOUR KNICKERS!!!!!!!' 

okay seriously here, leggings seem to be the very in thing. Good for leggings! they are comfy and can be dressed up and dressed down. They fit everyone and can flatter anyone. Unfortunately some of the cheaper variety are on the very thin side. Thin leggings + larger bottom = stretched out fabric! 

I have seen more knickers in the last year then I want to count. There has been leopard, and stripy. Zebra and dots. Lace and frills. Lets not even get into the colors! Yes people I can see EVERYTHING! 

You don't want to stare, you really don't. But your walking home, large lady is walking in front of you. Leggings stretched out to maximum thinness. She's wearing a shirt that lets the whole world see her worldly goods. And you can't believe your eyes. Wow those are pretty. Wow, you need new undies! Really, I didn't take you for a leopard lady. 

Don't these women look in the mirror before they leave the house?! I always check myself and my bum before I leave the house. I do. I have kids and you never know what is going to be stuck to it!

I wonder if there is a polite way of say 'hey big bum, I can see your lace and frills!'

So larger ladies; unless you like everyone seeing your underwear, please check your bum before you leave the house! I'm watching you!

This post was brought to you by the letter S for Sir mix-a-lot and B for big bums

The time Crunch

As a mum of 3 I don't have much time. What I can do in a day has to fit between school pick ups, extra curricular activities and playing. I found in the early 1 child days, I started to make excuses for why I wasn't doing things. 'No point in cleaning the bathrooms I only have 20 minutes', 'I don't need to do the dusting, I can only write part of my name' I could honestly come up with an excuse for anything.

Now onto baby 3, I found I was piling myself up with excuses. It was getting to the point where I couldn't see any more. Then one day I read some flylady stuff. wow. Could I really do a shit load of cleaning in only an hour? She has some really good foundation stuff to get you off your ass. I don't follow her schedule, but I do take a lot of her tips and use them in my day to day.

I started months ago, but the excuses started piling up again. The biggest being, I deserve a break. My kids love TV. I am more then willing to put on an hour or so in the morning and maybe another hour in the afternoon for them. That gave me 2 hours a day. I was doing what with those 2 hours? good question. Laundry and a cuppa tea were the top agenda. In the last few months, I've started to kick excuses in the ass and really get myself moving.

Do you really know how much time we're given in a day? 24 hours. Think about that for a moment, 24 hours. Do you use your 24 hours wisely? Do you honestly know how much you can get done in 24 hours...screw 24, do you know how much you can get done in an hour?!

For starters I let my exercise routine slip. How was I to fit in that 20-30 minutes in a day? well I was sleeping until 6am every morning and rushing around with lunches and breakfast and school prep. Now I get up at 5am. I do 20-30 minutes of exercise, then with what ever time I have left over I start getting ready for the rush. I empty the dishwasher and make lunches. Kids are up at 6 and I'm normally eating breakfast by 6:30. On a normal day I can have the house tidy, the kids ready, me ready (including fully dressed, hair done and full face of make up!) and everybody ready to go by 8am. I don't need to leave until 8:30. I toss in a load of laundry and the kids and I sit down to read together. So I woke up an hour early and got 1) the kitchen tidy and ready for the day 2) a load of laundry started 3) exercise done 4) me fully ready for the day 5) the kids fully ready for the day and 6) got in some good mom and kid time plus I've eaten!

Now that two hours the kids watch tv...
Seriously I get so much done in that two hours, it's silly. Take today in my 1 hour am tv slot I got done
1) upstairs bathroom cleaned
2) switched up the laundry-twice
3) put laundry away
4) cleaned the laundry room-this included cleaning out food stuff from the fridge and left over food from our party on Sunday that was sitting on the laundry room counter-plus cleaning the sink and organizing the clothes
5) took out garbage
6) changed the sheets in the spare room and Mario's room
7) washed and put away dishes
8) made a tea

And that was just one hour out of the two!

I don't think that the average person knows how easy it is to fit in everything you need to do in a day. Seriously all the little things add up and before you know it your done. I still have plenty of me time and I still have plenty of time to be with my kids and my hubby.

So, what's your excuse? Time to stop making excuses and get your ass in gear! we are given 24 hours for a reason, start using them wisely!

xo

Smoking babies

I try not to rant about other moms. I don't know everything and maybe what other moms are doing (and I think completely bonkers) is actually a good thing.

Today; upon leaving the school yard I noticed something that just stirred me the wrong way. It looked like a normal scene, bunch of mums standing around after dropping the kids off at school. Fags in hand, creating a haze around anyone that passes. Today though I noticed one of the 'mums' was a young girl (20), who just found out she is 6 weeks pregnant. She was just finishing up her fag as I was passing by and by the time I got to my car and started driving away, she was on to another.

I'm not an expert in pre-natal care. I've had three babies, and the mystery of pregnancy still boggles my brain. I know some mums have the occasional drink, occasional. I can't understand mums, who know they are pregnant and sit there inhaling a tube of paper with about 600 chemicals loaded into it. Those who want to know the (almost) full list can read it here. Denying your baby of oxygen and pumping them full of chemicals, to me..is completely unacceptable. Especially during the first few weeks of life!

That baby in your baby has no voice. They don't have a choice. They didn't decide to be in your belly. They never asked to be born. They are in there, with you running the show. What you eat, drink, smoke, inhale, breath..effects that child.

Tell me dear reader, are they ever EVER going to insist on testing people before they are able to have children?!?!?!?!?

is 9 months really too much to ask for you to put down a fag?!?!

Maybe I should sneak some literature into her nieces book bag about the dangers of smoking during pregnancy?

the start of his future.

Tomorrow my little man starts on a whole new adventure. The little meat head starts pre-school. But he's two right?! I know. I agree that it seems a little early, but the ham is so very ready.  Every morning when we drop off Mario, Luigi runs into school and makes himself at home. His eyes get big with excitement and hope that he will get to play too.

Tomorrow, he will get to play.

I can't believe it. This starts his journey of school. I can only imagine the trouble is going to get into, the friends he will make, the hearts he will break. Didn't I just carry this bowling ball in my tummy?! School, wow.

My kids have always enjoyed school. I very rarely have to fight with them to do school work or get ready for their day. I hope Luigi is the same. I really hope this isn't like Christmas; where you just can't wait for it to come, then when it does it's like 'oh, is that it?!'

He is my last and the apple of my eye. I can't believe I'm setting him free tomorrow. My little ham got extra cuddles and kisses tonight. Tomorrow, I'm heading out to coffee with my friend to take my mind off leaving my baby at school. Le sigh.

What a drama queen I am.

It's going to be fine. right?