In late June 2008 I went in for a dating ultrasound and found out I was pregnant with twins. I remember laughing all the way home. I will never forget the look on Hubby's face when he saw the 'twins' picture. Shortly afterwards I went to my OB for my first check up. It wasn't good news, I was pregnant with Mono Mono twins. Basically its two babies sharing 1 placenta and there is no wall separating the two. The cords are just hairs away from each other. It's a 1 in 10,000 odd. I was the one.
My very awesome doctor told me strait up 'it's not good. The out come to this pregnancy is normally always stillborn' I was referred to Mount Sinai hospital in Toronto to the care of the high risk pregnancy unit. It meant appointments every week, blood test and ultrasounds..every week. It meant packing up two little ones into a car every week and heading to Toronto for a very very long day. It meant that I would be put into the hospital at 26/27 weeks and the babies would be born around 30/32 weeks. It meant we were giving it a shot and hoping for the best.
At 16 weeks I lost the first baby. My doctor was on holiday and the on call Doctor told me that this would be like a normal pregnancy now. I would most likely go back to my Doctor in Oakville. Sadly just three short weeks later; still at Mount Sinai, I lost the second baby. I knew something was wrong, I hadn't felt movement in days even halloween candy didn't do anything. Suspicion confirmed, we had lost the second and our ordeal was over.
My regular doctor at Mount Sinai was back and gave me my list of options. I decided to induce labor and bring my girls into this world the next day. Such a weird thing waking up in the morning and knowing today your going to give birth. It's even stranger knowing that your not going to be bringing anyone home. Around 1pm on October 31st, 2008 I delivered two baby girls into this world. There was no crying, there was no laying of baby on my tummy, there was no team of doctors. There was just the silence.
You go through an ordeal like that, and for me I was done. I didn't want to deal with it any more. I wanted to heal the hurt and move on. Instead, there was a funeral home to deal with, there was decisions like 'do you want pictures?' 'do you want to see them?' too much for a very broken mummy to deal with.
In the end I decided no pictures, and I didn't want to hold them. That image would of haunted me forever. We called our little girls hope and faith, because that's all the pregnancy was.
I would never wish this experience even on my worst enemy. Having to go to a funeral home and plan out what to do with the bodies of your children is an out of body experience. You feel like your not there, that there is no way that you are doing this.
We planned on having our girls cremated, they would rest in St Peters Bay with Grandpa.
It's three years later and the memory is still so fresh. I can tell you the whole day from start to finish. I am so thankful for the love of our family and friends that made the following weeks, just a little easier. I try not to dwell on our girls or the thought of what could of been. For me the healing process has been to remember them at certain times of the year or with white roses (the flower that seemed to be the theme of their passing). I miss my little girls and seeing twins now is such a bittersweet thing for me.
Today they are three and I haven't let them go play with Grandpa yet. How do you do that? How do you take the only thing you have of that time and let it go? maybe one day. I would of made them cake and there would of been presents...lots of them. Tons of pictures and something more then just a pink cremation box to hold at the end of the day.
Today mummys hold your little ones and pray you never feel the pain of loosing them. I know too many mums, who understand this hurt. One day we'll hold our children and smell their hair. We'll touch their hands and kiss their fingers. We'll count their toes and wiggle their piggies. One day we'll be able to push them on swings and roll with them in the grass. One day.
Happy Birthday little angels. xo
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