New year! New post...

Happy new year everyone!

I have temporary use of a computer for a while, so I thought I had better get blogging! It's been so long since I have put thoughts to paper blog. I was getting a few requests and a few 'where did you go's'. Here I am, and the length of stay will depend entirely on iPad, and when it will blow up!

Lately I have had some great conversations with friends about God. There I said it, I was told to never bring up religion..but I did and I will do it again!

The big G, religion, spirituality. I've been talking about it.

I have a great relationship with God, I really do. I'm a very spiritual person and the very sight of something Godesk can make me cry. With that said, I don't have a religion.  I don't take Jesus Christ as my saviour, I don't go to church, I don't pray before meals, I don't sing hymns and I don't study the bible. Ok, go ahead gasp. Say a little prayer for my condemned soul.

Now God and me, we go waaaaay back. Over 32 years now. I love churches, every time I go in one I sit and say a bit of prayer, light a candle for the ones I love. I love nature and hug trees and thank the earth often for holding me and human kind in her arms. When I cook a meal, I often do it with intention. Sometimes when things feel off I will light a candle and asks for the negative energy to be taken with the flames. I love Buddhas...love them! I will randomly open the bible and see what God has to say today. I meditate, and take in gods presence. I read about Judaism (that's the organized religion that calls to me the most). Sometimes I just sit and talk to God.

I really feel some days that organized religion has taken the wind out of my spiritual sails. I'm not saying that organized religion is wrong. I'm happy for those who go to church every Sunday and praise The Lord Jesus Christ. I'm in awe of the devotion and traditions that people have with their religion. I think it's great if you grow out your hair because you feel that will make you closer to God. I will never ever knock anyones ways of talking to God, but I don't need a middle man.

I know some people who feel like its not okay to have a relationship with God.  That you have to have religion. Why? Why do I need organized religion? It's just a way that God talks to us. Really. If I'm doing okay talking to God and we're living our lives in parallel, why do I need anything more?

I'm really tired of this world falling apart over religion. I really truly am. There is one God. Only one. I don't for a moment believe that there is a band of x-men Gods, that sit around fighting all day deciding who is the best. So why are we? Who really cares if bob reads the bible, sue reads the Torah, Mohammad reads the quran and I talk to the wind. Really we are all talking to God. The God, the only one. Just like I call santa, Santa. Someone might call him Father Christmas, or maybe Pere noel. Aren't we talking about the same thing?? Chips, French fries...same thing!

I really in my heart believe that organized religion is just Gods way of talking to you. We all do it different. Email, snail mail, Skype. We are all going to communicate differently. You need to find your broadband to God. He, She, it...it's out there. Who ever it is, is waiting.

Are you happy in your organized religion? Do you try to have a more direct relationship with God? How does God talk to you? Have you lost God (maybe you need a, if found poster?)

What's your take on all this fighting? Could you imagine the wars that would erupt if all the Canadian expats started fighting with the Brits over 'x a ma' or ' x zee ma'?? Silly yes?

'I think it pisses God off if you walk by the colour purple in the field somewhere and don't notice'

Turning peanuts to peanut butter

As most of you know I blew up my computer a few months back and have not been able to post. I do have blogger app on my phone, but with a 500 word limit-and let's face it, a girl who can talk. I haven't been around.

I know you miss me, I know y'all do! This isn't the inflation of my big head, these are from fan requests!

So any way, here crazy mum is. Here I am. Big words aren't they? Do you ever sit and wonder about your life and wonder the what ifs?? Have you ever squashed them with, I'm right here..right now. Think about that for a moment. It doesn't matter which road you took to get here. It doesn't matter about the screaming kids or the football on t.v. It doesn't matter what song you sung to dance. Your here now.

I have to be honest with you all I'm struggling a bit at the moment. I have so nicely returned from a life break. You know the kind where you led another life for a week; the life you used to have before crazy set in. Or maybe the life you used to have before being an adult punched you in the face.

My life break was a week with my mummy, who so nicely told me she would probably need therapy after a week with me! A week of wearing clean clothes and makeup, a week of dinner and lunches, a week of hot coffee and hot dinners. A week of me without the definition of mother, mummy, madre, oh hail big chief. Isn't it funny how we start living lives based on definition? When did we start doing that?

I can't go out after work because I'm a manager at a top 100 company, I need to go to bed by 8. I can't answer the phone because I work in a call centre and take 200 calls a day. I can't work in the garden because I'm a hand model and my nails will get dirty. I can't eat solids because I'm a Victoria secrets angel. Maybe theses aren't definitions but job hazards? I can't wear nice clothes because my kids use me for a face cleaner. I can't wear heels because who can chase three children running in all directions in stilettos? I can't eat dinner hot, because we'll...have you met my kids?

I'm struggling right now with the definition. Not that I felt I had a better one before, but this is different. How do you move past it. What happens if you accept the definition and then 20 years past, and you can't move on to another definition?  I'm calling this making peanut butter out of peanuts. I'm  talking about taking the definition in which we live and making it our lives. Owning it. Redefining it. Take power and control over that gosh darn word in which we run our lives and kicking it to the next level.

Are you feeling lost in translation? Stuck in definition? How will you make peanut butter out of your peanuts??

I can do this on a mobile???

Honestly I am not down with the tec world. I had no idea I could post via my mobile! DUH! anyway having no computer has left my blog dry. Now i can do this any where, the crazyness is back! Stay tuned my loves! xxx

Be The Best Parent YOU Can Be!

When I found out that I was pregnant with the Princess I became an obsessed parent to be. Not obsessed in terms of what I should eat and how I should treat my body at the time. I became obsessed with the type of parent I SHOULD be. I started buying things for this should be parent. I read books on this should be parent. I came up with a plan for this should be parent. When the princess was born and I brought her home from the hospital, reality hit me and my should be parent ideas.

Want to see some of my should be parent ideas? Ready?

I would come home from the hospital and carry my baby in a carrier when ever she needed. I would cloth diaper and my baby would always be clean. When and if my baby cried I would know what to do and be able to sooth her easily. When I had to clean the house-because the laundry would always be done and the baking would always be available and homemade food would always be cooking! my baby would happily play on the floor. As a top Mother I would know what my baby wanted and easily be able to cater to her needs. My baby and I would go for walks often and I would show her the world. I would be on the top of my game and the world would know it!

Do you want to know reality?

My baby came home from the hospital and cried and pooped and hollered...a lot! She hated cloth diapers and would scream her self blue when I put one on. She was a messy messy baby and I had to change her clothes often. The house never got fully cleaned and I didn't have the brain power to cook a decent meal. Hubby worked from home and I had to keep the baby quiet, the baby who hated toys. I never knew what my baby wanted and she would often scream when all her needs were met. I hated walking-although she loved to shop! I had postpartum depression and I hated my baby. I begged for 6 months for my hubby to return her. This is not what I signed up for. No one told me how this would really go. No one

I really wish at that time I would of been able to let go of my ideal should be parent and except the idea of being the best parent I could be. I think this is a reality for most parents today. We get ideas and expectations in our head of how things should go. Of how we want things to go. When they don't we have a hard time excepting the real picture. Although I am three children in, I still have this problem. Less severe but it still creeps up.

There is no right or wrong answers and there is no manual. We weren't provided with a book on our child. Now; don't get me wrong, there are tons of parenting books out there...tons! Have you found the one on your child yet? Me either.

I want you dear reader, to start adopting the mantra 'I am the best parent I can be'. Have you said it? When the day isn't going to plan, I want you to stop for a minute, breath...put yourself in time out if you have to (I love time out by the way!) and repeat 'I am the best parent I can be'

Somedays my laundry doesn't get touched, the house is a total tip, the kids are wearing clothes from two days ago, the dog is filthy from God knows what, I have a million things on my to do list, and nothing is going to plan. These are the days when I really have to say 'I'm doing the best I can' 'I am the best parent I can be'. What ever you are doing, it's okay. How ever you are doing it, is perfect! If you children smile and laugh, if they run and scream, if they are naughty and nice, if they are sugar and spice, if they are silly and mischievous, if they plot and plan, if they are stinky and smelly, if they are well groomed and proper, and if they are alive and your alive...then you are the best parent you can be.

The rest doesn't matter. Honest. It doesn't matter.

I want you to give yourself permission to take in what comes, how it comes. The plan might not always work out how you want but we'll get through this journey what ever the path. It might take us 26 steps to get from A to Z and it might only take us 12. It doesn't matter. Your doing the best you can right now!

Even if your sitting here at the computer while your child is screaming in the next room (or maybe right at your feet!) that's okay (unless your playing angry birds while your child is bleeding to death in front of you! That's not cool and you need to call for help ASAP!) Maybe you've tossed the chores out for the day, in order to play...that's cool too! What ever it is, how ever you are doing it. Your doing it the best way for you.

It may not work for June Cleaver, and it may not work for Peggy Bundy..but if it works for you then your ahead of the game.

Acceptance is the key to parenting. Just breath and accept. Your just going to make everyone and you miserable if you try otherwise.

Please give yourself permission to toss out the should be parent and embrace the you parent. Because it's perfect. Honest

xo

R.I.P Whitney

Last night on our way back home from London, hubby and I were having a conversation about the passing of Whitney Houston. I hate rehashing this over and over again. I really do. However I feel the need to blog about this, because I think some people out there don't get it. My hubby didn't get it. His brain processed it like this 'the woman was on drugs, drugs kill. Sooner or later it was going to happen'

But that's not what this is all about. This is not why people are saddened and mourning. Not in the least. The people are mourning the loss of a great figure because of emotion. *Please note-drugs kill. If you are on drugs, chances are someday they are going to catch up with you*

Songs can bring up so many memories and emotions. You know where you were, a smell, the food you might have been eating, maybe it was warm/cold, the people you were with...a song can bring that all up. My mum always says 'the song remembers when'. Isn't that the truth?

So you see hubby, we're not mourning the loss of a woman-although it is a big loss. We are mourning the loss of something that was, or something that could of been. We'll never hear another Whitney Houston song on the radio. We'll never see her in concert. We'll never hear about the battles she is fighting. Sometimes even though we never meet, see or talk to a person. There is a comfort in their  presence. You know that they are going to be there. You know that you'll hear their voice on the radio at some point and maybe you'll see them in concert. There is a comfort in that. In the knowing that they will always be there for you.

What about this emotion? Listen to Whitney sing I will always love you. Close your eyes, really soak in the voice, the lyrics and wait for it. Wait for the memories to come back. Were you kissing someone you love? Were you watching someone walk away? Did you break up with someone? Was it your first boy/girl dance?

When we loose someone famous, we remember. We remember the emotions and the feeling associated with their music or their films.

We also see them as invincible. They have money, lots of money. They can afford all the best of everything. Can't they? When we loose them, they become human. We think about our own demons and the battles we fight on a daily basis. That could be us. Couldn't it? One day we might wake up and be unable to fight anymore. The rock bottom may arrive. To know that someone we perceive as strong, gives up...it's frightening.

So hubby when your brain is unable to comprehend how we are surprised. Remember the song remembers when. We remember when. We are human and are unable to hold back the feeling and emotions that are attached to songs and people. Whitney will always be a strong figure in our music history. To know that her journey is over and we'll no longer be taking it with her is sad. Just like Michael Jackson, just like Freddie Mercury, like Amy Winehouse, like Heath Ledger, like James Dean...it's the emotion, the feeling, the power, the time. It really strikes us right to the core. So may we continue to mourn for our emotions and remember when.

smelly cat, smelly cat

In my head my phlegm was a bit more raspy...I guess that's what you get for singing with the voice :P

Sing my angel...

sing for me....

okay, maybe not angel.

Maybe more like mum who needs a hobby

<3 you huney!

see you tomorrow!

The home hunt

I have been living in England for a year and half now...July is approaching fast and it will mark the two year anniversary.

When we moved to England we had the wonderful support of The Relocation Consultancy. Seriously I couldn't of asked for better help with our move. They did everything and I'm forever grateful. We picked a house based on location (in a village, close to school and great commute times). It's a lovely house for Canadians who have waaaay to much big furniture! Yes we took our furniture! Why? well it was cheeper to bring it then to store it. Hubby and I have been living together for a long time and we've collected a lot of furniture that we love and adore and couldn't replace. So it came and here we all are. Now a year and a half in, we're on the house hunt again! Good lord, will these Davey's never stop!?

We've come to the realization that this house; although lovely, is too expensive. In order for us to buy a house in the very near future (right huney?) we need to save and save big. This house will not allow for that. We're only supposed to be in the UK for another year and half, but as we know... that looks more like a dream then reality. I'm thinking probably closer to another 3 years.

So the hunt has led us to the small, the smaller, the dirty, and the wows. Reality is we need a house for five people and company. We don't have company often, but we do get some and the house needs to support that. We also have LARGE furniture (as I said before).  We did fall in love with a lovely 1920's home. Fell head over heels. It was the type of home that you would never leave. We would of done anything to stay there and make it ours. That was the problem. We found out it recently sold for 1.7 million pounds! who the f can afford that?!

So here I we are, on the hunt. Something else has stolen my heart. A very dirty and unloved Oast house. For those of you who are wondering what an Oast house is let me show you

**PLEASE NOTE, THIS ISN'T THE HOUSE...JUST WHAT AN OAST HOUSE LOOKS LIKE!**

They are lovely when cared for and converted properly. The house I have found is anything but cared for and loved. Hubby couldn't get out of the house fast enough, I on the other hand...well it was like Jerry Maguire, you had me at restored beams.

It's close to schools if we want to change, its rural (with footpaths and green all around), it's located steps to the rail and it's priced well below budget. Honestly it doesn't get better then that. So will we fit? Not sure. The bathrooms are small, the house is smaller...but the house. It needs me. We have other options that we are looking at...but something tells me that this is our house.

Unfortunately for our family there is a burning question that will soon need an answer. Are we going to stay in the UK?

I can say, 'I don't know'. Really that is the heart of it.  I don't know. If we stay here for another 3 years; The princess will be almost 9 Mario 7 and Luigi 5. They are still young; but at that point, should we move? I don't have answers. So with that on my brain, I'm trying to find a house that in the future we could buy if we wanted to. The Oast house is also for sale.

I am a Cancer. All Cancer's need a home. We need a place that we know is ours. I'm getting over the fact that I'm not looking for my forever home right now, just a rental. But my Cancer says find the home you love, because you never know.

There is so many options out there for us, my head is spinning. Do we leave our area, move to a whole different area? What about commuting times? What about schools? should we change schools? What happens if we need to add more commuting time? Seriously this has been my thought process since November. NOVEMBER people! It's time to stop the madness, I need to find a place before I go cuckoo!

Will you dear reader, for my sanity pray I find the way. In meeting (Quaker) a couple of weeks ago God told me that he is preparing a house...did he mean it literally? like as in the house needs renovating? Dear God, I'm now trying to figure out the great riddles of the world...

Anyway, pray for clarity. I just can't see with all these questions!

the snail mail project

Happy New Year Dear Reader!

I know it's been some time since I blogged. I haven't forgotten my wee blog promise. But I have been consumed by Christmas, New year and house hunting.

As most of you know once I get 'on' something, it's really hard for me to do much else.

Well here I am! I have Christmas and New Years off my plate, house hunting is on the main front line..but I can blog and do that...can't I?

Our rental is due in Summer and our landlord is looking to sell soon. I thought it would be better if I get on the hunting sooner rather then later. Plus this house is loads more money then one should spend on a rental! We have looked at many houses and nothing really seems to fit the bill. Too small, to run down, not close enough to rail, not close enough to school and everything in between. We may have found a gem in an Oast House, but time will tell. It's in bad shape, and I'm not sure any amount of love will make it a lovely place to live for the time we have left here. Stay tuned!

I was reading something this morning on how to attracted readers to your blog. I'm not trying to attract anyone really. Just a good read. One of the points made was mail outs. Not emails, who wants more email? but snail mail. You know, the shit before email became the shit?

Not sure what I could mail you about, could be anything really. So I'm wondering; Dear Reader, would YOU like a letter? Just for you? delivered to your door? with my messy hand writing? Call it the snail mail project if you like. A way to get my hand writing again and the mail man working for his dollar.

If you dear reader are interested in the snail mail project please email me at thesnailmailproject@gmail.com

Maybe once I get going on snail mail, I can get others involved too. okay okay, one letter at a time!

xo

Even YOU can have a yoga practice.

YES YOU!

I know that for most of you the thought of yoga is scary. It's posing and bending your body in ways you think you can't do. Yoga is about time and energy that you may think you don't have. Yoga to you might be about a journey that you just don't want to take.

I'm telling you dear reader that even you can have a yoga practice. In fact, I insist on it. Yoga doesn't have to be about bending and stretching for long periods of time. It doesn't have to be about hours of commitment. It doesn't have to be scary.

Yoga for me started quite a long time ago. I took a class it was 8 weeks and I learned that my body, COULD do amazing things. I returned for part two of the class, but called it quits after only a few sessions..I have to admit that the instructor did tip the scale in me wanting to return ;) but he was very distracting with his muscles and his tone and that beach hair and the way he said things like 'bend slowly, into my direction'.....mmmmmm

where was I?

Oh yes

here, I'm right here.

I have returned to my practice in full force as some of you may know. I used to dabble in it once a month, for that special moon phase where a woman feels all glowy and wants to give her self warm baths and soft yoga...
I have actually extended it to weeks now. and I feel ALIVE. I feel better emotionally and physically then I have in YEARS! YEARS dear reader! This is huge for me.

Now I don't spend hours on my practice, because really what mum of three has that time?! I wake up at 5 as per normal, and instead of Jillian Michaels I pull out my mat and get to work. With each breath and each pose I exhale the negative and accept the positive. I make sure that I leave the anger with the exhale. I can honestly say I can't live without my practice. I can't go a day without some form of yoga.  This has brought me to a place that allows me to live like a normal person (what ever that is).

My yoga practice has given me the freedom to actually enjoy this life. I am enjoying getting up in the morning. I'm enjoying being with my kids. I'm enjoying walking to school. I'm enjoying being me again. I feel such a sense of center, it's mind blowing. I want you to enjoy life too dear reader.

I only do 30-40 minutes a day. That's all I do. I start with what I love then work my way to something new. I do it in the way I enjoy and I do the poses until my body tells me to move. This is the practice I've always wanted. I don't (sadly) have time to finish my practice with meditation...but Sunday's Quaker meetings are helping with that.

I'm telling you dear read that you don't have to move your body in ways that are scary and you don't have to spend all day on it!

Here's a few easy ones. Try a few, work your way from there! I promise you, it's going to ground you and center you and give you focus...it's a practice and it's going to take practice. So don't expect to be perfect! xo

Warrior 2

Tree Pose

Child's Pose

Happy Baby

Extended Side Angle 

Please feel free to take that arm that is on her ankle and rest is on your bent leg!

You see dear Reader, these aren't scary! and you can do them with the kids! you can do this, you will enjoy it. Don't rush, don't feel the need to be perfect, breath, don't forget to BREATH!

xo

Namaste

Gift getting, gift buying

you know, I'm really tired of these ads telling men what not to buy for women. I'm tired of seeing ads telling us what we should and shouldn't buy for kids. I'm actually tired of seeing gift guides at all.

Maybe these are helpful. maybe.

Isn't Christmas supposed to be about something more then gifts?? I thought Christmas was about spending time with family and friends, decorating a beautiful tree, eating waay too much, a walk in fresh snow (if you are lucky!). I thought Christmas was about making sparkly crafts with the kids. I thought it was a warm fire and a long snuggle. I thought it was a time of year to remember how blessed we truly are.

Sure, gift are lovely. It's always nice to know that someone thought of you. But it's not the point of the season. I really feel that if I get a gift, any gift. No matter what it is, I'm just grateful. Now don't get me wrong, I do hand in my list to Santa. But I'm in no way 1) expecting everything 2) expecting anything 3) mad at any point if Santa decides that what I really need is a blender and not a green Tiffany's box.

I have to give Hubby Santa credit, he's really really good at shopping. Really good. But I don't expect anything at Christmas. I'm happy to have the day come and know it's Christmas.

I think we're getting a little greedy as the years go one. We're getting to the point where we're ungrateful if someone buys us a gift that doesn't fit our ideal. Sure we get some weird, strange and unusual things. But seriously, someone thought about you for a minute and bought you something.

I think it's time we rethink things. Christmas isn't the season of giving and getting. It's the season to be grateful. We are so blessed. So very very blessed.

Happy Holidays?

This is the season of Christmas. Christmas. The christian holiday, where we all celebrate the birth of Jesus and buy each other pressies. That's christmas. For some people is a holiday steeped in Religion, for others its just another reason to buy gifts and spend money. No matter who you are, what color you are, what gender you are or who you love. This is Christmas. I refuse to call it by any other name then Christmas. It's not holiday season. This is Christmas season.

Can someone please tell me who is upset by this holiday? Are you? Are you Jewish, Muslum, Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, Pagan, or any other Religion? Are you upset that we celebrate Christmas?

What about Diwali? You know the Hinduism holiday. The one where they decorate the house with lights and paint colorful patterns and send their family cards.

What about Wesak? You know the Buddhist holiday. The one where they hang lanterns, Monks may give out blessing strings as birthday gifts and they may even exchange small gifts.

What about Baisakhi? You know the Sikhism holiday. The one where they have parades in the streets, decorate with bright orange and blue balloons and give money to charity.

What about Hanukkah? You know the Jewish holiday. The one where they light the menorah, they exchange gifts, send cards, eat special food (cooked in oil), and play special Hanukkah games.

What about Ramadan and Eid al-Fir? You know the Islamic holiday. The one where they send cards, give money to the poor, fast then eat a big meal with family (maybe friends).

Do these all sound the same? Am I offended? Should I be?

you see dear Reader, we live in a place call Earth. It is filled with people of all different color and race. It is filled with people of all different religions. It is filled with men who love men, women who love women and men and women who love each other. It is filled with a beautiful word called diversity. It's what makes this world, a world.

It doesn't matter if I celebrate Ramadan or Hanukkah. It doesn't matter if I'm gay or straight. It doesn't matter if I'm black or white.

This is Christmas. Christmas. It has always been Christmas and it always will be Christmas. So again; please dear Reader, tell me, is it YOU who is offended? if it is you who is offended. Can you tell me why? Why should this offended you when we all celebrate the same holiday? You may call it Diwali and I may call it Christmas. I may celebrate in December and you may celebrate in November. I may have a tree with lights you may have a Menorah with lights. I may eat a turkey and you might eat Samosas.

We are are all celebrating something. We are all bringing family and friends together at some point to celebrate. We all have a special time of the year that brings us together. The truth of the matter is; we just don't make a big deal about your special holidays like we do ours. Do I know why? no. Do you want Hanukkah all over our malls and shops? Do you want everyone singing Diwali songs?

To me as a Christian celebrating Christmas, I would not be offended in the least and I would actually support your cause if you wanted your holiday broadcasted for the whole world to see.

Am I off my rocker here? Why is everyone is such war over Christmas? It's Christmas!

*I'm not trying to offend anyone here, I'm just hoping to point out the crazy amount of similarity in all our holidays. I also use the world holiday because we're in 'holiday' spirit. I know some of the above 'holidays' are more festivals.*

Much love dear reader and Merry Christmas. How every you celebrate it by which ever name you call it.

xo

Thoughtful Thursday

Today I figure, being Thursday and it going well with thoughtful. Would be a good day to post something that would give you enrichment. Something that you could take with you in your pocket. Small words. Little phrase. Something thoughtful. Today is a good day to bring your thoughts present. Meaning, bring your thoughts to the now. Are you living today, or are you stuck in the past? Is your brain getting lost in the future? Are you truly living now?

I find so often our brains get stuck in over drive and we start to miss the things that are around us. How many times have you driven yourself to work, only to arrive and wonder how you got there. How many times have you wanted a drink, found yourself in the laundry room going 'what did I need?'

We need to start thinking about where we are now; and not how the next part is going to play out, or how we arrived there. In your current activity are you presently involved? When your rolling around with the kids is your brain making dinner? maybe it's thinking about the clothes that need to be put away? When your sitting and meditating, are you paying bills or balancing your check book?

When is the last time that you went for a walk and truly went for a walk? Are the birds singing? Is the wind blowing? Do you notice the color of the sky? Can you hear dogs parking? Are there children playing?  Do you notice how your feet aren't touching the cracks? Are your kids with you? Are they talking? Are you cold? Maybe your getting warm from your body being in motion?

There is so much going on in our lives, that I think we forget how to be. We are human beings after all...not human doings.

xo

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. -Buddha-

spiritual redirection

As most of you know, I've been on a hardcore quest for body perfection. I've been waking up at 5am and working my ass off. I'm not expecting a Jillian Michaels body here. It would be seriously nice, but I know that I've had three kids and four pregnancies. I know I've had them close together, and I know my body was never given the chance to 'firm up'. But I would love a body that I felt comfortable with. One that I could put on a nice dress and go 'hot'. Not 'I can't wear that, because it doesn't fit over the baby belly'

I'm not going to lie. I hate working out. There is nothing that I particularly enjoy about it. I don't enjoy waking up at 5. I don't enjoy the kids joining me. I don't enjoy having to be quiet. I don't enjoy doing it on my own. But I know if I want to loose the belly. I'm going to have to fight. I've been using a mix of Jillian Michaels, Carmen Electra and some scary valley girl who burns your abs away.

Truthfully, I only have a half hour in the morning. That's all, 30-40 minutes and I need to be done. Morning is the only time I can fit this in and the kids get up early! These videos fit the bill!

Last week when my mummy left, I really felt the need to shut the hard core workers out and bring in a little OMMMMMMM. By Wednesday with the help of Yoga, I lifted the dark cloud. I also lifted a stress cloud that sat above my head. How interesting. By Friday, I felt great. Not a little great. A lot great. Due to family and wanting to sleep, the weekends are not for working out.

Today I knew I was getting up early and I thought, right enough fluffy shit I need to get back into 'working out'. By the time I had gotten changed and down stairs, Yoga was on my mind. I pulled out my mat and stretched my way into Monday.

In order for you to see real body change with Yoga, you should be doing 3 sessions a week for 90 minutes. As I said before 40 minutes is the max for me. I'm starting to wonder if there is something more to this yoga. As I feel the veil of need for a smooth body disappearing and the want for this inner calm to go on forever. I can't think of ever going back to working out hardcore. I just love the way my day starts with stretching and moving for me. The way my arms feel after extending, the way my back feels after twisting and the way my mind feels after digging deeply into poses.

I feel just a weight off my shoulders. Like I can do this. Like this job of mummy, like getting up each morning, like taking care of others all day...can work. Like I can really really do this. I really do live in a world of ups and downs and at any moment a down can come as quickly as a high was here. So far in the past week, I've just felt steady.

Yesterday, I decided to go to my first Quaker meeting. At first it felt like a support group for religious delinquents. But after my hour of quiet and inner thoughts. I really felt lifted. I felt just as I do with Yoga. Like this is all going to be all right. Strange how the two seem to fit so well together.

I feel like I've hit a block of spiritual redirection. I must admit it feels great. I feel great. I don't know if I'll ever get that 'perfect body' but right now. In this moment. I'm okay with that. Just as I'm okay with everything else going around me. I truly feel as though I have been given a gift of clarity. In a short week, my Yoga practice has become a truly important part of my day.

I feel like I needed answers I need someone/thing to take over and I just feel blessed to of found it.

Namaste

P.S I know I'm supposed to be doing 'Christmas' posts. But felt in the spirit of Christmas that a spiritual post was fitting xo

The Christmas party

For the month of December, I'm going to do my best to post everyday...with the spirit of Christmas. Not sure if I can do it, there is only so much Christmas you can blog about!

Today the beginning of advent, starts the process for me of getting ready for a party. Tomorrow night is hubby's work party and I've been preparing all day for tomorrow. Yes you read that right. I have spent all day getting ready for tomorrow.

We have a nanny coming to watch the kids. So the house needed to be prepped. But that is the easy work, no?

Dear readers, I am a woman who loves to prepare. I need to make sure that tomorrow, there are no hiccups.  This morning, after cleaning (well tidying really) I painted my nails. A lovely shade of gray to go with my jewelry. The base coat and first coat before lunch and the finishing layers when the boys went for a rest.

I know this sounds a bit nuts. As much as I'm a woman who like to prepare. I'm also a woman who knows at any moment crisis could hit. If I'm not prepared then Ynaffit comes out, and she's not pretty.  Tonight will start the 'spa' treatments. Sugar body scrub (home made if you please) hair mask, shaving and tweezing, foot treatment and I'm going to bed with a thick layer of cream on.

Okay seriously. I NEED to do these things. I'm nuts and totally off my rocker I know. But there is so much to worry about. You know you go to these parties and people grab your arms and talk closely in your face. You dance with the new guy, because that's the type of girl you are (okay, maybe it was the nudge from hubby that gets you dancing) You might get a runner in your pantyhose and have to take off your shoes, your going to have to shake hands with everyone, and then for the cherry on the Christmas pudding; the grease megamix will come on and your going to shake your tail feather.

With all these things in my brain I'm thinking OMG! a night wasn't nearly enough time to prepare. What happens if I don't tweeze enough and people think I have a mustache? What happens if I go with the spanx and I'm dancing with who knows and they wonder what I'm wearing under my dress? What happens if the big boss shakes my hands and feels that I have dish pan hands? What happens if I'm talking waaaay to close to someone and they start wondering about my unibrow? What happens if I get that runner in my pantyhose, take off my shoes and everyone starts to wonder 'what happened to her feet?!' All those people grabbing your arms! Those tiny bumps you get will HAVE to come off!!!!!

I don't think I'm over thinking this in the least. I'm don't think I'm even scratching the surface of my brain here!

Please will someone grab me a paper bag and coach me through breathing. Next I need you to come to London STAT and help me get ready....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

I guess this blog doesn't write it's self!

My poor little blog.

I just noticed that I haven't payed it any attention since the 15th of November! The 15th! that's like, 15 days ago!

I have also neglected to include a post on my darling grumpy 3 year old turning 4, and the queen mum visiting from Canada (eh?)

le sigh

That's life as a mum of three rowdy kids! Some months are light and airy, other months you wonder who tied the cinder blocks to your legs.

I'm riding a wave of depression this week. The week started rough, with the queen leaving. I yoga'd myself into a happy state and now I'm riding the calm. The happy place. The place of peace and inner OM...

I love this state and wish I could be here every week, every day, every hour. I know it won't last long. I've been doing yoga all week, despite my body crying for a Jillian Michaels session. It actually got me wondering if I could do yoga full time. Ya know, as a *GASP* job. This could be my inner Hippie talking again. It's the wave I'm in. The mood could ride out at anytime.

I've been in a Christmas state of mind, dying for the Christmas decorations to be pulled out...which I did on Monday when I kept the kids home (sick of course!) Saturday we'll get a tree, Sunday we'll decorate it. The next few weeks, I'll finish shopping. Excited is way to plain for how I feel!

With the waves I've been in recently, it got me thinking that maybe I need to return back to God. Okay, before you all go, oh Jesus. My idea of God is very different from most people. I'm not going to get into it. Let's just say, I believe in everything. Anyway, the word 'Quaker' got whispered to me this month and I've done my research and think I might of found a home. Now before you think I've totally flipped my marbles, I've just been thinking. I'm going to a meeting this week. That's all. I'm not one for Sunday gatherings, but I really think this is an answer for me.

These waves of depression have really really been sinking me lately and I don't know how much more on my own I can do. I'm looking for a life line and feel it coming. I'll let you all know how I get on.

I finally heard news this week that I've been waiting to hear. I have a year and a half left before we move back home. This is HUGE for me. I'm the type of cancer (the sign) that needs home. That needs a place of roots and stability. I need it bad. To know that in less then 2 years I'll have that, puts me in a state of giddy.

I'm not sure where home is going to be. But there will be a house. There will be a place of our own. There will be a permanent roof over our heads. The house will be filled with love. That's all that matters to me. If I had my little way, we'd be moving to Scotland and living off the sea and Clottie dumplings. But we go where hubby works and that is that. le sigh.

The kids are growing like weeds and as I said in the first few lines, Mario has turned 4. I can't believe it's been 4 years since my little grump entered the world. I use the term grump, with as much love as I can. For he truly is a grump. He is his Grandpa Mike to the core. We love him despite the scowl.

My dear family and friends back home. I miss you all very much and homesick is starting to get the best of me. I miss your faces and your voices. I miss your laughter and your joy that you bring us. I miss seeing your children grow and your families change. I miss being able to visit you when ever I want and you spending time at my house. I hope you are all well.

I'm going to try to do an advent blog posting spree. not sure what on. I'm sure I'll figure it out.

take care
xo

Save the Children

Everyday I see a commercial trying to get me to 'save the children'. Send in my money and please save the children. You know, I'm not a mean person. I love to help, it's in my blood. But these commercials just make me upset.

You know how we-the people, can save the children?! By adopting them. If the process of adoption was easier we could really save some children. I get that there are sick and twisted people out there that would love some needy children, to exploit and hurt. I get that. But through the muck of that, there are people out there that would give limbs to have a child.

You know; no matter how much money I gave, these children would still be in a state of 'need'. They really would. I know a lot of these children are not up for adoption, but as a mother I hope that another mother would see the opportunity to help her child and let them be adopted. I know I would.

There has to be a way to weed out the nasty people and let the good ones through. There just has to be a way. We are so blessed to live in a 'wealthy' part of the world, which allows us to provide for others. So why isn't this an option? Why???

These commercials are breaking my heart, especially when the child is close in age to my own. I have so much to give and I know you do to! I wish these countries would start giving qualified parents a shot and let these children go to good homes, homes that would truly help their situation.

Maybe adoption isn't the best way, what do you think?

xo

the butt of God's jokes

okay seriously, I'm sure I posted 3 posts since my last one...but see none of them. Guess I didn't hit 'publish' or maybe I dreamed them? Anyway..

I'm getting really really tired of being the butt of God's jokes. I really am. It has gone beyond the point of 'bad day'. The 'bad days' I have are so to the point where they have to be for some bodies comic relief.

This morning I prepared myself for a busy day. I was to be at the hospital at 9:50 for a hospital appointment for Mario. At 8:30ish I had double checked my purse for things I would need, the kids were ready and waiting, I just needed the keys. Where are those keys. I might misplace a lot of things, keys are not one of them. I NEVER misplace my keys. I'm a fanatic about time, and misplaced keys means having to be late. I under no circumstance will ever ever be late for anything. Seriously I have issues.

After 10 minutes of searching there are no keys. Hubby says he doesn't have them. Now I'm mad because a) I'm going to have to cancel the appointment and b) am going to be late to drop the princess off at school unless we run.

Run to school with kids (strangely the car doors are open and I'm able to get the stroller). Drop off the princess race home to cancel the appointment. The nurse at the hospital in her own special way told me I was being silly not coming and I should find a way to get there. She tells me another nurse will call me back to reschedule. Next nurse calls me to basically tell me to get in now, because I won't be able to get in until December. Really?! seriously, really?! After making me feel like shit she tells me she'll call me back....great, I look forward to it. Call back and they can see me next week. Great, hopefully I will have keys then. I'm taking this as a sign as the car hasn't been feeling well and the engine is sick and I was really nervous about going anyway (it's a 20 minute drive in good traffic-in our area there is no good traffic!) so what ever.

After I calm down I check the boys, 1 is sitting nicely watching TV the other is sitting on the table tossing raisins around like confetti at a wedding. Clean mess. Decide I need a tea. make tea, sit down, washer starts beeping. fix washer, sit down, dryer starts beeping. Fix dryer, sit down, dog starts barking. Shut dog up, sit down. oh look it's just about time to shut off the tv. gulp tea, turn off tv. Go and play with the boys.

Luigi decided that I needed a lesson in crash em up and I get smacked in the head with a train..twice. Time to get changed I think. Oh look the clean shirt (white) I put on this am has grease on it. great. After playing a bit more I head down to make lunch. What's that noise? oh someone played with the dishwasher buttons and it's running now. There is no cancel button, so it's washing it's self. As there aren't any dishes in it. Get a pot and smash my finger in the drawer, put on stove smack head on the head on the range.

Over this day, is way to plain for how I feel.

Now a normal person would be like 'hey, I'm having a shitty day' I on the other hand have these days once a week. I am now thinking it's beyond having a bad day. I'm tired of doing this every week and feeling at the total end of my rope. It leaves me tired and highly irritable. every week. seriously here.

I know a lot of you are religious and are thinking I need to go to church. I believe in God. Don't get me wrong. But the way I believe in faith is not how most people believe in faith. There is sadly no church for those who believe in all faiths. There is no spiritual house.

I am tired of not being able to let go. I'm tried of being on edge. I am tired of this practical joke. I keep hearing 'this too will pass' well you know what?! it's not f'n passing!

I'm now going to enjoy my bacon samich, put the monster baby to bed, put more TV on for Mario and indulge in a large serving of chocolate. maybe have a nap. As for this mess I call my house. I think it can wait until tomorrow.

Oy

The Eczema battle

When I was a kid I had slight eczema on my arms. It went away fairly quickly after a scrip for some topical cream.  After the princess was born, the battle of eczema started again, this time on my hands. For 5.5 years now I have been battling eczema.

I have tried everything. No fooling. Apple cider vinegar, change of diet, more exercise, oils, homeopathic treatments, natural remedies, no cosmetics, lavender oil, olive oil and now the dreaded steroid cream.

After all that I'm still here battling this out. I must say the steroid cream has helped quiet a bit. I hate using it, but when you get at the end of your rope, you become desperate. I think my skin is now on a revolt as everything seems to be taking a turn for the worse. The eczema seems to be getting bad again, I now have a patch of eczema on my arm, my face is oily and breaking out, my lips seem to have developed a small rash around it, I have a severe dry eye case at the moment and my hair has taken a turn down oil ville and I'm unable to get it clean looking.

I am a very desperate woman indeed. There really isn't much of a point to this post today. It was really trying to get the word out that I'm in desperate need of answers. I'm hoping that if I put the word out that I'm suffering bad over here, that someone out there in this world will rescue me from my skin revolt.

Please note natural remedies ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY DO NOT WORK FOR ME.

Anyone else suffering these days?

ox

Happy Birthday little Angels

Three years ago I gave birth to two beautiful baby girls. They arrived sleeping and quiet in the mid afternoon. It was the end to a very hard and unsure 4 months.

In late June 2008 I went in for a dating ultrasound and found out I was pregnant with twins. I remember laughing all the way home. I will never forget the look on Hubby's face when he saw the 'twins' picture. Shortly afterwards I went to my OB for my first check up. It wasn't good news, I was pregnant with Mono Mono twins.  Basically its two babies sharing 1 placenta and there is no wall separating the two. The cords are just hairs away from each other. It's a 1 in 10,000 odd. I was the one.

My very awesome doctor told me strait up 'it's not good. The out come to this pregnancy is normally always stillborn' I was referred to Mount Sinai hospital in Toronto to the care of the high risk pregnancy unit. It meant appointments every week, blood test and ultrasounds..every week. It meant packing up two little ones into a car every week and heading to Toronto for a very very long day. It meant that I would be put into the hospital at 26/27 weeks and the babies would be born around 30/32 weeks. It meant we were giving it a shot and hoping for the best.

At 16 weeks I lost the first baby. My doctor was on holiday and the on call Doctor told me that this would be like a normal pregnancy now. I would most likely go back to my Doctor in Oakville. Sadly just three short weeks later;  still at Mount Sinai, I lost the second baby. I knew something was wrong, I hadn't felt movement in days even halloween candy didn't do anything. Suspicion confirmed, we had lost the second and our ordeal was over. 

My regular doctor at Mount Sinai was back and gave me my list of options. I decided to induce labor and bring my girls into this world the next day. Such a weird thing waking up in the morning and knowing today your going to give birth. It's even stranger knowing that your not going to be bringing anyone home. Around 1pm on October 31st, 2008 I delivered two baby girls into this world. There was no crying, there was no laying of baby on my tummy, there was no team of doctors. There was just the silence.

You go through an ordeal like that, and for me I was done. I didn't want to deal with it any more. I wanted to heal the hurt and move on. Instead, there was a funeral home to deal with, there was decisions like 'do you want pictures?' 'do you want to see them?' too much for a very broken mummy to deal with.

In the end I decided no pictures, and I didn't want to hold them. That image would of haunted me forever. We called our little girls hope and faith, because that's all the pregnancy was.

I would never wish this experience even on my worst enemy. Having to go to a funeral home and plan out what to do with the bodies of your children is an out of body experience. You feel like your not there, that there is no way that you are doing this.

We planned on having our girls cremated, they would rest in St Peters Bay with Grandpa.

It's three years later and the memory is still so fresh. I can tell you the whole day from start to finish. I am so thankful for the love of our family and friends that made the following weeks, just a little easier.  I try not to dwell on our girls or the thought of what could of been. For me the healing process has been to remember them at certain times of the year or with white roses (the flower that seemed to be the theme of their passing). I miss my little girls and seeing twins now is such a bittersweet thing for me.

Today they are three and I haven't let them go play with Grandpa yet. How do you do that? How do you take the only thing you have of that time and let it go? maybe one day. I would of made them cake and there would of been presents...lots of them. Tons of pictures and something more then just a pink cremation box to hold at the end of the day.

Today mummys hold your little ones and pray you never feel the pain of loosing them. I know too many mums, who understand this hurt. One day we'll hold our children and smell their hair. We'll touch their hands and kiss their fingers. We'll count their toes and wiggle their piggies. One day we'll be able to push them on swings and roll with them in the grass. One day.

Happy Birthday little angels. xo